📖 The Courage to Be Disliked - Ichiro Kishimi

This blog offers a summary of The Courage to Be Disliked, capturing the full depth of the five evenings’ dialogue between a curious youth and a philosophically grounded mentor. Each “night” builds on Alfred Adler’s principles - teleology over etiology, social interest, task separation, and here‐and‐now presence - guiding readers toward genuine freedom and happiness.

Night One: The Unknown Third Giant

In the opening exchange, the philosopher positions Alfred Adler alongside Freud and Jung, yet highlights how Adler’s ideas were eclipsed despite their transformative power. Adler rejects determinism by insisting that our past holds no fixed control over our present; instead, we assign purposes to our experiences, shaping our actions accordingly.

The youth challenges this optimism, asserting that childhood wounds and social failures feel inescapable. The philosopher responds with practical examples: two individuals suffering from isolation and anger, each reframed to show personal choice rather than victimhood. He argues that recognizing purpose in every action frees us from feeling shackled by past events.

Night Two: All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems

Building on the first night, the philosopher insists that every emotional struggle - envy, anxiety, aggression - originates from our interactions with others. He introduces the concept of “community feeling,” where true fulfillment arises from horizontal relationships of mutual respect, not hierarchical contests for superiority.

Through dialogue, the youth explores how the desire for recognition fuels comparison and resentment. The philosopher then reframes social competition as a false measure of worth, urging a shift toward contribution: seeing peers as comrades rather than opponents unlocks genuine belonging and reduces inner conflict.

Night Three: Discard Other People’s Tasks

On the third evening, the mentor teaches the crucial skill of “task separation.” Much of our distress, he argues, comes from confusing our responsibilities with those of others. By clearly delineating who controls what - our choices versus others’ reactions - we reclaim agency and eliminate needless interference in one another’s lives.

The youth experiments with this principle in real time, reflecting on a recent argument with his family. He learns that accepting a parent’s judgment as their task, not his, dissolves emotional entanglement. This practice becomes a gateway to healthier boundaries and authentic self‐expression.

Night Four: The Courage to Be Ordinary

As the dialogue deepens, the youth admits to craving distinction and acclaim. The philosopher challenges this by revealing that striving for exceptionalism often masks fear of rejection. Embracing one’s ordinariness - valuing small, everyday contributions - transforms the quest for significance from external validation into inner authenticity.

They discuss how societal pressures push us toward constant self‐enhancement, yet true happiness blooms when we relinquish the pedestal. Living with the courage to be average, they conclude, invites humility and strengthens genuine connections, liberating us from the exhausting treadmill of comparison.

Night Five: To Live in the Here and Now

In their final conversation, the focus turns to presence. Past regrets and future worries, the philosopher explains, draw energy away from life’s immediate possibilities. Happiness emerges when we engage wholeheartedly in each moment, offering encouragement and service to those around us - thereby experiencing community feeling here and now.

The youth practices mindfulness through a simple exercise: shifting attention from hypothetical outcomes to observable realities. He discovers that true self‐worth stems not from distant goals but from consistent acts of kindness and contribution in daily life.

Conclusion and Further Reflections

Over five transformative nights, The Courage to Be Disliked dismantles the myths of trauma, superiority, and coercive control, replacing them with choice, equality, and presence. Adlerian psychology offers a liberating framework:

• We author the meanings of our past.
• We craft horizontal connections based on mutual contribution.
• We honor boundaries by separating tasks.
• We find freedom in ordinariness.
• We live fully in the present moment.

To deepen your journey, consider exploring these next steps:

• Journal daily to identify where you assign meaning to past events.
• Practice task separation in one challenging relationship each week.
• Volunteer for a community cause to cultivate social interest.
• Read Adler’s original works, such as The Science of Living, for foundational insights.
• Pair this reading with mindfulness practices to anchor yourself in “here and now” living.